How to Have Sex Without Thinking of Your Own Orgasm (And Why You Should Try It)

By Key Barrett

I know what you are thinking after reading my title. What is that and what is the point? Ok, that’s a valid question. First, a definition. It’s a sex act where you consciously accept that you will not have an orgasm, or focus on your pleasure at all. It sounds counter-intuitive. From a purely biological standpoint, there really is no reason to attempt sex with a goal of voiding out your sexual needs and desire for orgasm. And honestly, when we are in the throes of passionate sex, it’s hard not to think of it as a purely biological act driving toward an inevitable conclusion.

How Mistress Michelle Lacy Inspired A Vast Collection of New Femdom Art

by Dirk Hooper

@DrPonyBatBond began by creating his own femdom artwork for Mistress Michelle Lacy, then started commissioning art from creators around the world. He’s been responsible for bringing a considerable collection of femdom art to us that wouldn’t exist otherwise.

This is a fascinating story that is informative about femdom, a Dominant/submissive relationship, and the power of art.

Here is my interview with @DrPonyBatBond and Mistress Michelle Lacy about who they are, about femdom art, and what it means to them.

Interview with @DrPonyBatBond

Art by @mooneaterart

How far back does your obsession with dominant women go? How did it all begin?

Thank Heaven for the Professional Dominatrix! by Dirk Hooper

Professional Dominatrix Phoenix Steele shared an opinion on Facebook, “I’m sick of seeing Lifestyle Domme’s talk shit to a submissive just because he’s seen a ProDomme a few times!! Ladies that’s kink shaming-KNOCK IT OFF!!!”

My expanded response to that post is below.

I’ve been in the BDSM community for 20 years. I count professional dominatrices as some of my best friends, clients, and lovers. I’m familiar with both sides of this issue.

Over the years I’ve heard countless stories (and seen a few myself) about how professional dominatrices have been poorly treated by the BDSM community, and now I’m honestly shocked to hear that submissives also bear some burden for seeing professionals.

It’s time to stop.

Interview with FemDom Messenging Site FINmessage

Are you inundated with requests to chat? If you’re interested in monetizing your texts, whether you’re a Professional Dominatrix, or FinDom, or Fetish Model, or really anyone else, then FINmessage might interest you.

We talked with the founder of FINmessage to describe the service, and we’re including photos of some of the women who are using FINmessage to communicate with slaves and fans.

What is FINmessage?

FINmessage is a new kind of community and Chat Website. User can pay per message, pay per view and sending tributes. The Pro User, mostly “Findoms” right now, are verified. You can also upload photos, like and comment photos and also tip good photos.

The Shame of Feeling Ashamed by Thimble

I told three friends the other day that I wrote BDSM erotica. I even gave them my pseudonym so they could read it. They are the 3rd, 4th and 5th people I’ve told since I started publishing my work in December. I’m not out as a submissive to many people, obviously, and sharing my writing essentially outs me, as it’s all about femdom and it wouldn’t take a genius to put it together. But telling these friends felt right. These are good people: the kind who see the weird in you and like you more for it. After telling them, I quickly said: “Don’t think just because I write about it that I want it to happen to me, ok? A lot of stuff is just for the story. It’s not me. Ok?”

I was lying. I want most what I write about to happen to me. And the things I think they would be most shocked by, the things I was thinking of when I said that to them: I especially want that. I want to be put over someone’s knee and spanked for not making the bed correctly. I want someone to make me eat oatmeal drenched in her piss. A part of me is ashamed of wanting that. And a larger part of me is ashamed for feeling that shame.

Findom 101 by Von Nette

I have strong opinions on topics that are My passion. I want to get right to the point, starting with the topic that’s My greatest passion… Financial Domination.

What a beautiful fetish! Too bad that it has such a questionable reputation. It’s a huge taboo and I’m tired of keeping this wonderful fetish a secret. That will end now. I am the one who will break that taboo!

Obviously, each Dominatrix has her own ways of working but, I’m here to tell you My way and My outlook on these subjects! Grab your notebooks and get ready to be intrigued, here comes FinDom 101 with VonNette!

From strong bonds between subs and their Dommes, to different kinks that are unique and must be treated with respect, I think it is time that I shed some light on the mystery called FinDom.

My Descent Into Synn – Guest Post

Miss Sadie Synn's journey into finding her authentic self.

Guest Post by Miss Sadie Synn


As a FemDom, it is empowering to stand above a kneeling submissive, as they kiss my boots or serve me. Surrendering control is one of the most precious gifts one can give. I love others giving that to me. The first part of my journey, I started as a slave but it was obvious that I wasn't fit for that role. I knew I was a dominant after that, but I had no confidence in myself.

As I started slowly progressing through my transition I realized that should become my primary focus. In 2014, I was able to begin hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I was blown away by how much change I experienced after just a year of HRT. In truth, it took so long because I had felt resigned to transitioning. Years later, I discovered this was due to PTSD from childhood abuse. I knew myself, but I had not found that certain je ne sais quoi. Although I needed to put myself out there as a Lifestyle Domme, I had no confidence in myself. I had been a hermit for the last five, years so I had absolutely nothing to lose! At worst there would be no change and my situation would be the same.

For the first six months of being a Domme in the lifestyle, it was rough. I didn’t know what I was doing. I had a background from the other side and lots of involvement assisting in scenes, but I no experience being the one in control. I needed to learn how to tactfully stick up for myself while subtly using my femininity. Then I had my first really hot scene. After negotiations, a masochist guided me through using canes. I was hooked.

Being a FemDom helps affirm my own femininity and that may be my favorite thing about it. I often hear trans-women talk about that affirmation from sex with a partner who truly sees them as them, as a woman. My history is complicated when it comes to sex. It carries emotional labor for me because my needs can’t be met.

That said, being a FemDom allows me to feel that affirmation without the emotional labor. That look in my slave’s eyes when they call me Mistress makes my soul sing. Allowing my natural feminine energy to flow through a scene or session erases all the years of physical and verbal trauma I experienced for just being me. What once was the bane of my existence became my strongest strength and it did wonders for my personal well-being. It allowed me to go through TSA with double D’s and an ID with my birth gender.

While serving my country and volunteering did make me feel good about myself, they didn’t let me respect me for who I was. Being a Femdom did. Being in control over submissives and slaves that consensually chose to kneel before me did. With my power being non-consensually taken from me as a child, having others surrender theirs willingly is some of the best therapy in the world.


Miss Sadie Synn is a Powerful, Statuesque, Intimidating lifestyle Domme. Standing 6'5"-- without heels--she enjoys using her Goddess-like allure to dominate her slaves. Sadie developed a passion for paddles while being trained in Austin ,TX. This led her to be a Master paddle maker, and her craftsmanship has been felt by many lucky bottoms in the mid-west. She specializes in: paddling, boot and body worship, tease and denial, violet wand play, and being a puppy handler. She is always looking to learn and explore.
Sadie has been interviewed by Dr. Sue Storm and for Broadly in Vice Magazine, along with an appearance on the Doctor Susan Block Show. Miss Sadie Synn is a Presenter, and board Liaison on Central Iowa Power Exchange. She volunteers weekly for the local PRIDE center, assisting with the largest LGBTQIA library in the area. Sadie operates a private dungeon doing shoots and sessions, in a quiet neighborhood in Central Iowa.
Find her personally at @SadieSynn or at her Dungeon @House_Of_Synn.

It’s Mixtrix’ World by Miss Kate

She could own you, if she wanted to.

It’s Her World, She Just Lets You Live in It

A Profile on MixTrix by Miss Kate

I don’t idolize Dommes because I’m afraid that I’m going to unconsciously (or consciously) rip off their style. This isn’t to say that I don’t admire or enjoy other Dommes work. I would be lying if I said I didn’t. There are a handful of Dommes that I admire greatly and who inspire me to explore things I may not have previously thought of. MixTrix is probably number one on my list of Dommes that inspire me. She so graciously allowed me to ask her a few questions on her world as a cruel with a sense of humor lifestyle and pro Domme.

A Lesbian Domme Who Dominates Men – Guest Post by Goddess Cassidy



How Can a Lesbian Dominate a Man?

Guest Post by Goddess Cassidy

Of all the ways I surprise strange men on the Internet, being a lesbian Domme is the one thing that shocks them the most. Although I am not an extreme rarity, I have noticed that lesbians who dominate men are a minority. Yes, it is unconventional. But it is completely and totally worth it.

Let us get something out of the way right now . . . Dominating men does not get me sexually aroused. That should not come as a surprise, but I have encountered many men online who were downright appalled that I would be a Domme for a living and not enjoy it sexually. I have even been called fake for it. Here is the thing though: There are tons of Dommes who are attracted to men and do not get turned on by their sessions. Why? Well, because it is their job, and it is not necessary for us to get turned on to succeed at what we do.

I always tell skeptics that, if anything, it is a strength. Never chancing the distraction of attraction makes it easy to keep a level head and concentrate on my job. Of course, that in no way means I think I am better than Dommes who are attracted to men. But I also do not think I am a lesser Domme because of my sexual orientation.

For some subs, it makes it even more exciting knowing that they would never in a million years be able to have me. Whatever little fantasies they come up with in their heads have absolutely zero chance of becoming a reality. It can sometimes be an extra fun way to torment them. However, for other subs who attempt to contact me, it can make them irrationally angry.


"For some subs, it makes it even more exciting knowing that they would never in a million years be able to have me."


For instance, I once did a Kik session with a man and before we began, I asked what his limits were and I told him mine. Then in the middle of the session, he starts making me quite uncomfortable. He asks me if he can touch himself, and I tell him not yet. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Just being a Domme and exercising my right to tease and torment. Then he starts saying rather inappropriate things to me. He tells me that if he was with me, he would fuck me. I immediately shut him down and told him exactly what I thought of his nasty comments. He apologized, and I decided that if he could behave himself, the session could continue. He agreed, and then starts getting angry that I have not let him touch himself. Before I can tell him to go to hell, my timer goes off and the session is over. He is extremely angry and tells me that I am awful at my job. I tell him that if he would have behaved himself, he would have had more time to enjoy the session.

Now, this situation would not have been okay in any case, even with a straight Domme. However, I firmly believe that having the knowledge of my orientation made him attempt to push things further than he should have. There are always men who think they can get away with things and love trying to push lesbian Dommes to do things they are not comfortable with. I have even had strange subs on the internet threaten to track me down and force themselves on me to turn me straight. Quite an unsettling DM to receive.

Being a lesbian Domme who dominates men is an interesting ride. We are a small group, often accused of being fake, threatened, etc. But we are also incredibly strong women who know that, for some subs, we are adding to the excitement, therefore making our careers thrive beyond our wildest dreams.

My name is Goddess Cassidy! I'm a sassy, smart, and sexy 21-year-old American girl. I've been a dominant lady my whole life, but I've been a professional online Domme for a couple years now. In addition to domination, I've been selling panties and other fetish items since I was 18. My career as a clip producer began at that time as well. I'm great at what I do, and I have such a fun time doing it!

Find me at:

Top Dropping – Dommes Can Drop Too by Miss Kate

Yes, a Domme is a Real Human, with Real Human Emotions

By Feature Writer Miss Kate

I am sure anyone reading this is well aware of the term “sub dropping”. For those of you who are new, it is the state that can happen after a sub leaves subspace. During subspace, the body releases all type of feel good hormones and chemicals, often giving them a “high” feeling. It can last anywhere from hours to days. And they usually do not want to leave the wonderful blissful state they are in.

However, what goes up, must come down

As the sub’s endorphins drop, there can be a mixed bag of things going on from physical to emotional. A drop can happen even after just one session. They may get the blues, they may feel aches and pains, tiredness, and the list goes on. The way the endorphins leave the body so rapidly can be likened to a hangover or an opiate withdrawal. Sometimes, it can even lead into a depression. This is why aftercare is so very important. There are different degrees of drop, but I will save that for another time.

The Top Drop

What is often lesser known or talked about however, is Top dropping. Yes, Tops can drop. I will be honest, in my whole six-year career as a Pro-Domme, I had never even heard of Top drop. That is, until I dropped myself. I had no clue what the hell was going on. All I knew was that, out of nowhere, I got deeply upset. I started to rant and rave to a few close friends that I was a terrible Domme and that I was quitting altogether. I was truly baffled by my feelings. Until someone in my group privately messaged me and told me what was up! She said “Look, you’re fine. You’re just dropping.”. Of course, my natural reaction was, “What? No, I am not. Tops don’t drop”. She then gently explained to me how and why Tops can drop.

Well of course Tops can drop. Sometimes, it is easy to forget that we are, in fact, mere humans. Whether you are a lifestyle, pro, or both, sometimes it is easy for your ego to get inflated, especially when you are constantly being put on a pedestal. When you are constantly the one in the driver’s seat, calling all the shots, it is easy to go on a power trip. It itself can give you a high. A lifestyle Domme can feel it a bit more roughly because play sessions are going to have a huge element of intimacy to it. But even a Domme who is strictly pro can have an intense session where emotions run high, endorphins a-flowing adrenaline a-pumping. Afterwards, something just seems . . . amiss. I have heard Dommes describe it as feeling “weird” before.

Symptoms of  Top dropping?

Essentially, they are the same as a sub drop. Both Tops and subs experience euphoria during a session, and both can experience sadness, anxiety, and worry afterwards. But there is one glaring difference: Top drops often include feelings of guilt. Perhaps there are feelings of crossing a line, or that you may have been to rough, possibly you were a little bit too intense.

What Can a Top Do?

So, if aftercare is important in easing a sub out of subspace gently and hopefully minimizing the chance of a drop, what can a Top do to prevent or while dropping? I am not too sure if there are many preventive measures, per se, since you never know how a scene will play out. But while your dropping you must primarily recognize it for what it is; a drop. Take part in activities that engage you; read a book; watch a comedy; occupy yourself with your hobby; take general “me” time. This, too, shall pass. Do not think of giving in or up. Do not change your practise of doing things if it is what works for you. And if you are feeling super intense or depressed, communicate with your sub (if possible). Despite them being your submissive, they do realize you are human and have human emotions.

And lastly, just like you would make sure your sub was well hydrated and has had a healthy meal, make sure you do that yourself.

Guest Post: You Can Be a Lifestyle Sub but a Professional Domme


My Life: Lifestyle Submissive & Professional Domme

Guest Post by Anonymous

Let me start from the beginning of this kinky journey. You see, I am kind of living the life of a Double Agent. For the past three and half years, I have been owned and financially dominated by a Haitian BBC Master. And for the last five years *drum roll please* I have made my living dominating men. Caught your attention?! I bet I did.

You may be asking yourself, how can you live the life of a submissive but work as a Professional Domme? Well, let me tell you.

I spent my entire 20’s trying to figure out who I was and where I wanted to go in life. I was raised to get an education, find a career, and start a family. I received a B.S in Human Services and began working in addictions and mental health. I loved the work, unfortunately the pay just barely got me through. And 6 months after turning 30, I was out of a job, just like that.

A couple of days later, not really knowing what I was doing, I posted an escort ad. It dawned on me to do so because I had previously given rides to escort friends and saw the kind of cash they pulled in. With my first day as an escort over and done with, I had half my 2-week paycheck in my hand. I was immediately addicted to fast money of sex work.

I had no idea what I was getting into. Unacquainted with the industry, I didn’t realize the niche I would end up filling, being a 6’1 Amazon. That is, until I started receiving domination and fetish requests. So, what do you do when you are given a more lucrative way to make money? You learn, and you learn fast. A lot of late nights up researching and reading any resource I could get my hands on. A few awkward sessions and straight up confessions to subs that I was new. After a year or so of fumbling my way through the business, I felt more comfortable with it.

It is important to note here that I was extremely overweight, depressed, and addicted to meth. And really, all I wanted was someone to care about me. The night I met Master D, I was drunk, the only way I could muster up the courage to inquire about the lifestyle that I had been briefly introduced to. I had absolutely no clue how my life was about to change. When I walked into His house, I saw the most beautiful, athletic man with a caramel complexion. Covered with tattoos, with a tattoo on his neck that said “Carpe Diem”.

Yet somehow, despite is scary demeanor, He emanated peace. As we talked about my future service, He made me feel like I was already a part of something bigger than me. He broke down His plan for me and what He saw for the future. I was in awe, and all I could do was nod.

I had huge insecurities, amplified by clients who were insensitive to me being a BBW. But this handsome, fit man did not trouble Himself with it. He already knew that part of the plan was for us to get healthy together. When I reluctantly shared my addiction issues, He looked me directly in the eyes and told me I was not going to be using anymore. No one had ever cared about my addiction issues or whether I was healthy or not before, and it felt amazing. The first ninety days was a whirlwind. As His submissive, I did exactly what I was told to do and my transformation was glorious.

I became a good Domme because of the dramatic impact Master D’s guidance had on me. I became more confident in my ability to dominate because I am 100lbs lighter, a lot more knowledgeable about fetish and play, and all because of His encouragement. He pushed me to become more educated about all aspects of what I was doing. Lastly, but most certainly not least, I am meth free.

I adore the dominant/fetish work I do and I am able to do it because of Master D’s guidance. Even though I had become more comfortable in my position, He still encouraged me to dig deeper, to really figure out more about it and how I could become my absolute best. These submissive men I dominate will never be in Master D’s playing field, and no man will ever have a chance to be in His position.

I believe We are superior to them and the only chance they have at being a part of my life, and maybe getting a glimpse of His, is by paying to serve. The only man that deserves my submissive heart is Master D.

I never have to worry too much about transitioning from subspace to prepare for a Domme session, simply because I always make sure I have enough time in between to come down and out of subspace. I am at a point where I do not have to do much to prepare for a session, unless it’s a fetish I am unfamiliar with. That isn’t to say I have never sub dropped, I most definitely have, but I compare it more to an unsatisfied feeling. I am always left wanting more. I am never afraid He is going to do too much to me. Besides, I like to see how far I can push myself. On the other hand,, I am almost certain that I have never top dropped. To be honest, my sessions tend to be a little on the blander and average side. I am having fun, but nothing amazing or psychologically thrilling ever happens to warrant a Top drop. I guess I am lucky in that way.

To those who do not believe that this seemingly paradoxical scenario is possible, all I can say is that I respect their opinion but politely disagree. I do not have any argument per se to back up my difference in opinion because everybody’s position, whether in lifestyle or profession, is different. I just know, there is no way they can put parameters on what I do because they are not me. It is possible. And I am living, breathing, serving, & dominating proof.

I had a vanilla friend tell me she was not good with authority, and I said, “You might be if you found the right authority figure”.

The author of this guest post has chosen to stay anonymous. She is a 35-year-old red-headed paradoxical Amazon: dutiful in her servitude & superior in her domination.


Inside the Mind of a Pro-Switch by Devan DeSade

Devan DeSade Explains Being a Pro-Switch, Professionally

Guest Post

There is a flavour cornucopia in the Ice Cream Parlour of Life, ranging from dominance to submission with a whole spectrum in between. Some incredible people have chosen professional careers in either. But a less commonly known element of the kink industry is the Pro-Switch, the mix of tastes and talents. Welcome to my world.

Femdoms are beautiful and powerful women who are naturally in control. Pro-Dommes are in control by nature of their career. I’m neither because I sometimes choose to give up my power, and at other times, have a sub kneeling before me. The world of the switch is unique and often misunderstood by both Dommes and subs. I will give you the benefit by assuming you’ve heard, “never cross a switch,” often by a cheeky Domme or a passionate sub. The phrase itself could be broken down sub-culturally and linguistically, like what does “cross” really mean? But I digress . . .
I identify with elements of both Pro-Dommes and Pro-Subs. The cleverness, panache, and integrity of Dommes resonate with me. But the trust, honesty, and openness of Pro-Subs are gorgeous in its own right. Dommes inspire me because I aspire to be one; Subs intrigue me. Both require incredible amounts of similar but different energy release, and the biggest exploration for me is discovering those nooks and crannies. Craving the deepest depths of submission, the highest galaxies of domination, and all the geological marvels in between.
I love being beaten but I absolutely adore beating others. I use phrases as a Domme that had been uttered to me as a sub, leaving me wet with surrender. The impact the Domme has on me is heightened because I can understand how wonderfully wicked they are. Using these principles when I am a Domme allows me to send others into that beautiful subspace I previously occupied. It is a compliment to those I have subbed to.
Often, other’s confusion comes in the form of understanding the switch’s headspace. This can easily turn into a 2007-esque argument about gays being “just like you.” These spaces correlate with those of Doms and subs, unless I am with another switch, where interchanging power is the point. It’s almost living vicariously: while submitting shows me how powerful Dommes are and how passionately they have crafted the scene, I enjoy dominating because I know the fulfilling feeling of the other end.
For myself, being a Domme in subspace is easier than the other way around. I can serve who I am Domming by nature of my slavery. Being a sub still in a Domme headspace is somewhat harder. I need to be put in my place or reminded of whom I serve in order to submit: I need to be told what I really am.
Being a Pro-Switch allows me to be my most authentic self. I can be quiet and mysterious: will I beat the shit out of you, or beg and plead otherwise? Depending on my mood or scene, I can wear restraints, wield a flogger, or show off thigh high boots (sometimes all at once). Only the one who owns me knows where the true power lies. To everyone else, I am an unobtainable submissive and a Domme just out of reach.
Some pro and lifestyle switches that have rebranded to become dominants, are respectfully waiting to earn the title à la Old Guard style. They may choose to hone their initial skills in a less pressuring situation than starting out as a Pro-Domme, and dominants may be more willing to mentor these individuals. Other Dommes entered as a sub or switch, and incorporate that into their DommeCraft. It can be like bisexuality: people move through these identities to better find themselves. But for others, the gray area is the authentic identity. No one Domme, Switch or sub is alike.
The switches that are service oriented can make fantastic Pro-Dommes because the session itself can become a service. They enjoy the experience more if you like it, too. I please others as an owned slave. And as a Domme, I want to fulfill you.
Ah, switches, the searcher of ethereal euphoric experiences. A kinky jack-of-all-trades. The switches’ role is vast: the intimidating butler, the unpredictable jester, the quiet knave eyeing you from the corner, the diplomatic hierophant who just wants to teach. However, most incorporate both sides of D/s into a unique mixture all their own. Just as everyone’s kink is unique, each switch has past knowledge of both sides of the torture device. How they choose to divulge this is up to them. This article is a small part of mine, but I hope it alluded to some lesser known views of the switch.

A jet-setting punk pin-up Pro-Switch, Devan is originally from Denver, but now resides and co-owns a Little Dungeon on the Prairie near Des Moines, House of Synn (@House_of_Synn), offering real time & online sessions. You can find Devan walking her huskies, attending DomCon, and writing for KinkE Magazine about consensual misandry, female domination, & Queer culture. Find Devan on Twitter @devandesade.

Approaching The Mistress by Mistress Didi

Approaching The Mistress
Used with Permission by Mistress Didi

Understand your needs.

Most people are thrilled by the idea of serving a Domnina will give them some kind of satisfaction on a psycho-emotional-physical level. They are excited by the “idea” of serving, but not completely aware of the time, energy, and how much control must be relinquished in order to serve properly. The fantasy element of serving a Mistress often blinds the submissive to the fact that his/her hands will get dirty while doing chores that s/he does not want to do, but is instructed to do. The goal is to do the will of the Mistress; your desires are of no importance unless the Mistress is concerned about and chooses to address them. For many, once the reality of all that entails proper service becomes clear, they do not actually wish to serve; they wish to be thrilled.

Training for proper service requires the Mistress’ time, energy and skills and She should be rewarded by your complete obedience and your tributes. Should you determine that the thrill was more important to you than proper service, you must be certain not to have wasted the Mistress’ time and energy and that should She release you, that you leave Her well compensated. It always annoys Me when cheap people do not even bring Me a bottle of wine as a tribute and dare to think that to clean My bathroom is actually something special that I should be grateful for from them. They fail to realize that My bathroom is already being regularly cleaned and has been for a long time before they even thought to approach Me to offer service. Because of their own selfishness and their actual desire to be thrilled, they either do not realize or care that their attitude and actions are insulting to the fact that I am a Professional Dominatrix, an artist in the Lifestyle and have devoted My time, energies and belief in being a true Goddess. Herein lies the yin-yang aspect of the Lifestyle: you are served by serving Me and the person that I have cultivated Myself to be gives you the pleasure of fulfillment in service to Me.So, you do not wish to insult a Mistress because you are the one who will lose — whether now or in the future. The Mistress will immediately have another person to serve Her. People who want to keep the Community a place of nurturing and fulfillment will not appreciate behavior that brands you as a loser and no one will want to waste their time with you. This is why you must have your thoughts clear and focused. Mistakes can be avoided with proper preparation.When you make the conscious choice to serve a Mistress, you must be clear on:

1. Why you want to serve; what do you believe you will receive from serving Her? What do you want from the Mistress as Her servant?
2. What service means to you: this includes what tasks you wish to offer before you even speak with a Mistress;
3. How far you are willing to go in your training. This should include what type of servitude you desire, e.g., 24-7, to become collared, etc. This should also include an honest look at your fetishes. The Mistress may be into public humiliation, but you may not believe this path is for you; and
4. What type of service you do not wish to offer. This is crucial because if you are engaged in an activity that does not offer you the opportunity for personal growth in service, you won’t be happy and the Mistress will not be pleased.

I suggest writing your answers so that you can review and revise them for deeper self-understanding. The last thing you want to do is to misrepresent yourself to the Mistress and displease her because you cannot live up to what you offered. On a personal level, to misrepresent yourself to yourself is a sure path to unhappiness, failure and despair.

Educate yourself

Part of the joy of this journey of self-discovery is the opportunity to enhance your knowledge and awareness. Before presenting yourself for service, know who and what you are in this moment. There are numerous BDSM sites which offer excellent educational tools and resources, such as BDSMU, and info on Master Steelow’s site. The Community is full of wonderful people who will freely answer your questions and assist you on your path. By knowing what you are talking about when you present yourself to the Mistress, you will show your respect for Her experience and show that you are worthy of the time She gives to consider you.

Warning: Perhaps this is my personal peeve, but I do not find most of the videotapes that are readily available to be more than just (bad) fetish-type fantasy filmed for profitability. Before you purchase or rent a tape to learn about the Scene, do the research on reviews, author/producers, etc. to see if there is anything of value to you in even bothering to investigating the product.

Make A Good Impression with your Inquiry

First impressions are lasting. Nothing annoys Me more than a poorly presented inquiry and I usually dismiss the petitioner. Some rules to follow:

1. Greet the Mistress with respect and honor Her with your words. A simple example is, “Greetings, Mistress, may I present myself to You for service?” NEVER just start with your requests of what you want from Her.
2. In either the first or second paragraph, tell the Mistress why you are worthy of Her consideration for service, e.g., your past experience, what your talents are, etc. Use this opportunity to show your sincerity in desiring to serve Her.
3. In either the first or second paragraph, tell the Mistress why you wish to serve Her specifically. Careful not to go overboard with the flattery. When someone praises My beauty too much, he appears to lack creativity. I am also not interested in how my physical attributes inspire you to want to serve Me. The honor of serving Me should be your inspiration.
4. Choose words that “offer” rather than words that demand, e.g., “As your humble servant, i would be honored to shop for your groceries,” as opposed to saying “i want to” or “i will do your food shopping.” Remember, when presenting yourself for service, your goal is to please and serve the Mistress and attend to Her desires.
5. Offer personal information including your physical description, job, where you live, whether you have a car, etc. It is also an excellent idea to let the Mistress know when you are available for an interview — “i work Monday through Friday from 9:30 to 5:30 and am available at any time on weekends for an interview at Your convenience.”
6. Make certain that your request is personalized to the Mistress. If I should receive something that looks like a form letter, I dismiss the petitioner.
7. Make certain that your request is neat, correct spellings, use paragraphs and punctuation. This is another way that you will show the Mistress that you are taking the time to present yourself properly and that you are capable of proper service.
8. Pay close attention to what the Mistress requests of applicants. I only allow people who take the time to care about themselves into my personal arena and I instruct applicants to be creative and offer Me some insight to their personalities. See My slave Application.
9. Give all of your contact information including phone number(s) with times to reach you. ALWAYS give your cell phone number. Include this information in the body of your request as well as at the end beneath your signature.
10. Take your time. I can always tell when someone has rushed and thrown together an application. I will not take you seriously in your desire to serve Me because you are showing that you will rush your duties. I have no patience for half-way anything. I want what I want done correctly and when I want it. So, if you do not make a good presentation, you will not be responded to.
11. If you send an actual physical application, be certain to use nice paper and either neatly type or print your text. If you send an email, DO NOT USE STATIONERY ATTACHMENTS. HTML text is OK, but since you do not know when or where the Mistress may read your email, keep it simple and easy to download. NEVER SEND AN ATTACHMENT.
12. It is a good idea to provide the Mistress with at least one photograph of you. Again, NEVER SEND AN ATTACHMENT. Take advantage of free online photo album services — – sign up, upload photos and you will be given a link to cut and paste into emails that will take people you invite to your photos.

Generate Interest in you

It is important to give the Mistress a reason to want to give you an interview. Do not rely on your income, what services you request to offer, or anything material to interest Her. Good D/s relationships happen with chemistry. If you believe that you truly want to serve this Mistress, there is obviously something about her that inspires you. Therefore, you must give Her something to feel that you would be a good match in service to Her. Let your personality come through in your application for service so that it will not feel like work for the Mistress to consider you.

I state on my initial webpage that I dislike lackluster slaves and being bored. I also state that I like intellectual stimulation and amusement. Good ideas to interest Me are to offer a short poem that speaks to you, state your favorite books/movies, tell Me a joke. Don’t just blurt out the obvious. Think about what I must always hear from applicants and give Me something better.

Follow Up

After presenting your application, and unless otherwise instructed, the smart things to do are:

1. Call and alert the Mistress that you have complied with Her request and sent your application for service. This is taking care that your application is not mistaken for junk mail.
2. Be patient. If after 3-4 days you have not received a reply, it is permitted to call and/or email the Mistress to let Her know that (i) you are making sure that She received your application and that you will happily send it to Her again, if she desires; and (ii) you will patiently await Her response.
3. How you handle yourself during the consideration period is of the utmost importance. Many times I will not respond to an application for days just to see how the petitioner behaves. Polite and considerate behavior ALWAYS gets My first consideration and shows Me that you have good social skills. I do not allow people to make demands upon Me in any way.
4. If you are not accepted for service, DO NOT BEHAVE RUDELY. Thank the Mistress for Her consideration in a follow-up email or letter. Smart people know that good things happen to good sports. There have been many times where I have referred applicants to other Dominants to whom they would be better at serving than they could have served Me.

Tale of 3 applicants

subA and subB provided applications to Me that were creative, showed their intelligence, interesting and gave Me reason to decide to interview both of them. I did not respond to either application for 7 days. subA sent a polite, follow-up email to ensure that I had received his application, to which I responded and told him that he would be contacted. subA was very smart; he thanked Me for responding to him and told Me that he would “anxiously-with-patience” await contact from Me.

subB, on the other hand, is an idiot. 2 days after he’d sent his application, he called and left a message complaining that he hadn’t heard anything from Me, that he didn’t feel he was being treated fairly, that he’d spent the time to give Me what I wanted and I was not giving him what he wanted. First, subB merely followed instructions for what he must do to apply to serve Me. Since he had not even had an interview, he did not know what I wanted and he clearly did not educate himself to the fact that My consideration for his desires must be earned. I ignored him because I had made my decision that he, like all of the other applicants, would be responded to in 7 days. Within the next 5 days until I responded, subB called twice a day to complain. I wrote him a 2 sentence email which stated, “Due to your extremely poor behavior, I choose not to have you serve Me. Good luck with your search for a Dominant.” If his behavior had not already been bad enough, he called and emailed to demand that I reconsider him to serve Me, that I would certainly miss out on not having him serve Me, and that he would do whatever it took to get Me to reconsider him. subB is not ready for the Lifestyle, completely unworthy of any attention from Me, insolent, and was trying to top from the bottom — which I absolutely despise. I told him that he would have to pay for My time to interview him, fully expecting him to disappear because subB’s behavior clearly indicates that he is cheap on every level, a quality that I equally abhor. I am satisfied that he has not contacted Me since.

subC presented a wonderful application, had a good phone conversation with my assistant, scheduled an appointment for an interview, and the day before the interview, called my assistant to “negotiate” the tribute required — a mere bottle of wine. subC argued with my assistant that he was not interested in a professional session and that he did not think he should have to purchase or bring anything to the interview! I allowed subC to hear Me instruct My assistant to hang up the phone and have no further contact with him. However, he thought he would barrage Me with emails and phone calls. This upset My assistant terribly, who requested to reply to him and explain how he ruined his opportunity to be referred to a Dominant who may be better suited for him. I gave her permission to respond ONLY because this made her feel better.

Because of childish, self-centered, spoiled behavior, subB and subC not only ruined their chances to enjoy service to Me, they also ruined their opportunities to be referred to a Dominant situation that could have been just what they were looking for.

The moral of this tale is to always, always have respect and be gracious. You never know what the future holds — or doesn’t.


It should now be clear that if you truly desire to serve a Goddess, that you must exhibit divine grace yourself. Otherwise, how can you dare to think yourself worthy of consideration? Again, I am a benevolent despot and believe that education is the key to success and that knowledge is for sharing. Now you have the tools to approach a Dominant properly. I wish you well and you are welcome for this Gift.*

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Other links of interest:

Mistress Didi News 

Classic Fetish