How to Have Sex Without Thinking of Your Own Orgasm (And Why You Should Try It)

By Key Barrett

I know what you are thinking after reading my title. What is that and what is the point? Ok, that’s a valid question. First, a definition. It’s a sex act where you consciously accept that you will not have an orgasm, or focus on your pleasure at all. It sounds counter-intuitive. From a purely biological standpoint, there really is no reason to attempt sex with a goal of voiding out your sexual needs and desire for orgasm. And honestly, when we are in the throes of passionate sex, it’s hard not to think of it as a purely biological act driving toward an inevitable conclusion.

But of course, it isn’t purely biological. We primates are pretty unique in that regard. For us, sex is less a biological impulse than a mental one. Pornography serves no biological need. One could argue it’s a hindrance. Erotic books never knocked anybody up, and pegging is the exact opposite of how biology wants it done. And yet pegging is so commonplace it’s on Netflix shows, Yahoo news and Cosmopolitan magazine.

If you’re into kinky things, then you know how much the mind comes into it. We sexualize objects, behaviors, roles, even language itself. Whatever our peccadilloes and the reasoning behind them, the common theme is the effects they have on our thoughts and feelings behind them. These feelings help drive the biological impulse. When shared/observed they allow our partners great access to our psyche, and with that power comes bonding, a greater sense of wellbeing, and of course, that biological pleasure and release.

Even the most intimate of us can be outcome and orgasm-focused in sex. Men especially become ‘outcome’ driven to the point that sex can become predictable. Humans are creatures of routine, and we learn to identify signals early and recognize them for what they mean. A husband giving his wife oral may quickly learn that if he feels her stomach muscles tighten and form a V-shape, she is about to orgasm and he should stick to what he is doing.

When we have her needs to meet and our needs to meet it can feel like that must happen in a certain order. The trap behind that is that sex can fall into patterns. We run mental checklists in our heads and look for sexual queues that support the checklist. Apart from stifling different forms of play, in the drive to meet all the tasks on the checklist, we’re missing the mind-blowing forest for the pretty awesome trees. So, what’s in the forest?

You will learn more about your partner and fall in love with every little nuance you’ve been missing. 

It’s good that couples learn to identify sexual signals of their partners and act accordingly, but in the process of hunting for these pretty obvious signs, they miss all the other little nuances of pleasure. Missing these clues is unfortunate because these clues are worth enjoying on their own with no regard for finishing the act.

In our near fanatic desire to get our partners across the finish line we are missing all the subtlety and majestic beauty of our partner’s pleasure in the moment. Your partner is amazing and sexy, never more so when they are lost in pleasure. It is hard for you to witness that when you’re lost in pleasure too, or obsessively focusing on one or two sexual signals.

The act of vicariously enjoying your partner’s pleasure (with a conscious decision to take your orgasm out of the equation) makes her pleasure the only game in town. Given that level of attention, all that is left is adoration on your part, and a sense of well-being and a sort of sexual selflessness. Since selflessness is rarely involved in the act of sex, feeling it in the bedroom may be revelatory for you.

She is free to enjoy her pleasure as she sees fit.

There is a beauty and sense of connectedness that comes from just experiencing your partner’s pleasure with no predetermined end and with no thought of your own release. Disengaging your needs from the act entirely focuses your enjoyment on vicarious enjoyment of his/hers. This means not just her orgasm, but the entire process, every little detail, every bit lip, every soft sigh, the way her hips move, the way her back arches.

Agreeing together to have this intimate moment be about her, with no need for orgasm, allows her to enjoy herself as she sees fit, and at her pace. She no longer has to think about what her orgasm may do to your future orgasm, or thinking about acting/reacting to you in a way that keeps you engaged and enjoying the moment. The moment is hers to enjoy and as such she can relax into it in a way she maybe hasn’t gotten to do with you. This ties very closely to the first idea about you learning more about your partner. It also ties into the next.

Your adoration does wonders for her esteem and feelings of attractiveness, not just in the bedroom but out. 

When you do this, you learn more about your partner and her body than you have since you first started being intimate. You get to fall in love with every little tic, every little sexual signal you’ve been missing all this time. And you get to enjoy the majesty and incredible sensual feast female desire is, in a way most never see. In layman’s terms, you get to adore her. 

Your adoration of her, during an act pointed purely towards her satisfaction, is a wonderfully bonding act. It’s impossible not to feel attractive basking in the warm haze of sexual pleasure given by a doting and focused partner. This raises intimacy levels within the relationship, helps boost her confidence and sense of security and definitely improves her self-esteem. These things extend outside the bedroom and into the everyday. It improves your esteem too, knowing your attention can make the woman you love feel this way.

You will discover there are many different pleasures in sex that aren’t an orgasm.

The thing about orgasm-driven sex is all the pleasure we focus on is geared towards getting to the point of no return. But there are different types of pleasure and sensations in sex that we give short shrift to. Think of another example: A massage. It feels fantastic. It does not come with an orgasm (certain obvious services excepted). The act is pleasurable on its own.

The first time I personally tried focusing solely on her pleasure, I felt a wall of butterflies in my stomach, much like the sensations I had the first time I had sex. It stayed with me even afterward, like an afterglow. To misquote Shakespeare: There are more things in heaven and Earth, orgasm, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

The fun bits. Or, you’ve convinced us, now how do we do it! 

There are many ways to try this, running from simple to extravagant. I will go over just a few. As with all my writing, I would never recommend anything that I have not personally tried.

First, you can read this article together and agree to try it. Pick a time and make a promise that the only goal of it is to take time exploring and pleasing her. She should feel free to give any guidance without repercussions and also to let it go for as long as she wants with any outcome she wants. If you say there has to be an orgasm you’re putting unnecessary pressure on a fun, sexy exercise. Men, you can masturbate later to what you observed, but for now, focus on taking in all you see, smell, taste, hear and feel. Your woman is a sumptuous banquet of sensations and this is your chance to experience it in full.

Second, you can try chastity. Male chastity devices are so commonplace that you can order them on Amazon and have them at your door discreetly in two days. You don’t have to wear them all the time, in fact, you can just wear it for the experiment. The effect will likely be more profound if you’ve locked yourself up for a day or two beforehand, since you’ll channel your sexual energy to focus on her, but it’s not necessary.

Her being your keyholder might even spice it up a bit, adding a bit of fun denial play into your act of worship. The advantage of this is that the device takes your pleasure out of the equation altogether. You no longer have to promise yourself you won’t seek your own pleasure in the act because you can’t. At least not in the traditional orgasm-centric way.

Third, if you want to go for the extra special deluxe version (especially if you two are already practicing chastity) you can try wearing a strap-on over your chastity device and focus on her pleasure only, during intercourse. This is a pretty advanced technique, but it does reveal a lot. You get to feel the act of penetrating your wife but without feeling it. You focus on how you do that, giving extra care and concern to how it feels for her. After all, you can’t feel how you are doing. 

Since you aren’t feeling it, you’re acting based on how she’s feeling it. It’s hers to guide, as well; the pace, the depth, the position. It’s also a very powerful head game for you both. From personal experience, my head was awash with the incongruence of, well, fucking without fucking, while my partner loved the control, and how teased and denied she had me. 

My focus on her needs, sensations and feedback was a special thing for me, but even more so for her. Even attentive men are orgasm directed when engaging in coitus, and biologically speaking, it’s hard to blame us. As such, there’s a point when we aren’t thinking much about our partners or anything but impending release. But this way, the focus was constantly, entirely on her, and in the example of coitus, that was a brand new experience for her.

So, there you have it. I hope you give the one sex game that doesn’t have a finish line a try. It’s worth it. Every once and a while in life we need to be reminded it’s about the journey, not the destination. Why not in sex, too?


About Key Barrett

Key Barrett writes both non-fiction and fiction with a female-leadership bent. His non-fiction focuses on the effect of male chastity for couples and the practical lessons learned from strong Female Led Relationships. All works are judgment-free and always between consenting adults.

Locked-In Love: How two weeks in chastity can end the barter system, renew courtship and make a better husband.

Surrender, Submit, Serve Her.: The definitive guide to enacting Female Leadership and embracing the Female Dominated Household.

You can follow Key Barrett on Twitter here: @KeyBarrettMSc

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