Thank Heaven for the Professional Dominatrix! by Dirk Hooper

Professional Dominatrix Phoenix Steele shared an opinion on Facebook, “I’m sick of seeing Lifestyle Domme’s talk shit to a submissive just because he’s seen a ProDomme a few times!! Ladies that’s kink shaming-KNOCK IT OFF!!!”

My expanded response to that post is below.


I’ve been in the BDSM community for 20 years. I count professional dominatrices as some of my best friends, clients, and lovers. I’m familiar with both sides of this issue.

Over the years I’ve heard countless stories (and seen a few myself) about how professional dominatrices have been poorly treated by the BDSM community, and now I’m honestly shocked to hear that submissives also bear some burden for seeing professionals.

It’s time to stop.

There is something I call “The Domme Deficit,” that may be getting better recently, but is a major problem. I did research on this a decade ago and found that for every dominant woman there were 20 submissive men! That’s 1 to 20! Not great odds at all.

That doesn’t even factor in compatibility or availability of the two people. If you’re a submissive man looking for a dominant woman for a relationship, that matches your likes and dislikes and is attracted to you, it could be more like 1 in 100. And that’s in a severely reduced dating pool to start with.

Given those odds, how likely is it that a submissive man is going to find someone to be in a relationship with? If they live in New York City, and they are attractive or have other great attributes, it might be good. But if they live in rural Nebraska, and they look like a normal dude, then it’s fucking abysmal.

Additionally, plenty of submissive men don’t want to be in a relationship at all. They want to know what it’s like to be submissive and go back to their vanilla lives, because living as a submissive is too much of a commitment, or they struggle with their desire to submit.

And I’ll say something else. Society does not look kindly on men who are submissive. As men, we are taught to fight those instincts from birth. Friends, family, and partners look for different traits from a man. Again, there is some pushback on this now, but that’s not the way it’s been previously.

So, having this desire to be submissive, comes from a place that is taboo. It goes against everything we’ve been taught. And yet it is exceptionally strong.

Strong enough where it can consume you if you never get to explore it and find out what it’s like.

If there were no professional dominatrices some men would go through their entire lives without ever having a chance to experience something that is fundamental to their core desires.

I want you to imagine that scenario. Something you want to experience desperately that you can never have.

The BDSM community, of all places, should be sympathetic to the journey of all its members. It might not be as easy as you think. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes for a change and think about what you’re doing before you drag a fellow traveler down.

The lifestyle community should embrace professional dominatrices, learn from them, coordinate with them, and help them to service an exceptionally underserved segment of the BDSM world. Professional dominatrices are an incredible resource for the community (and they are a hell of a lot of fun)!

And yes, we should also work to bridge the gap in the Domme Deficit too. I’m trying my best to educate the women of the world on the wonders of a female-led relationship. It’s a worthy goal to get that figure closer to 1-1.

Kinky people are in this together. We should be using our slings and arrows for defense against a withering world, instead of using them on each other.


Please reply below and share this post with your friends!

Dirk Hooper is an award-winning fetish photographer, award-winning professional writer, audiobook narrator, podcasting producer and host, journalist for the fetish community, BDSM mentor, and adult personal branding and marketing consultant for Sexy Networking.
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